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This bad Photoshop of the grim reaper is a sobering reminder about the dangers of headphone use.
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Though we've joked about the recent media uproar over headphones, we have since been scared straight: headphones are no laughing matter. This being said, we think the media is being a bit excessive when it claims, "the primary function of headphones is murder." Given headlines like this, what's a savvy consumer to do?
We believe there are times where headphone use by an informed, prepared citizen won't lead to death and dismemberment. As a website with "headphone" in its URL, we felt obligated to research the best ways to get through your headphone encounter alive. Hopefully these safety guide articles will save your life, ensuring your continued, loyal readership. If they don't save your life, we'll at least get another "Headphones ATTACK!!" article out of it.
This time around we wanted to focus on exercising. Exercising has been clinically proven to be good. Once headphones are added to the equation, however, exercising can quickly turn into a deadly game of single-player Russian roulette.
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This graph illustrates how headphones can help boost exercise efficiency.
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What's wrong with working out in silence? Nothing, really, but according to a clinical exercise physiologist who was quoted in an article, music has magical properties: "'playing music that is inspirational to the listener can actually make someone exercise harder than they would without music.'" Astounding.
If music can grant super-human strength, then is exercising without it a total waste of time? Yes. This is why so many joggers awkwardly lug around a boom box, and why weight lifters hire orchestras to serenade them. You may have even seen some novel combinations of cardio, weight training, and music, such as someone giving Pete Townshend a piggy-back ride. When you get down to it, however, these methods are either cumbersome or expensive. If you wish to reap the legendary benefits of music during your workout, headphones are a necessary evil (much to Pete Townshend's chagrin).
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Though fearsome, the reverse bear trap from the movie Saw didn't actually kill anyone. The same cannot be said for headphones.
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First of all, that's a stupid question. It's that kind of thinking that gets you hit by a train. Unfortunately, a lot of people have this mentality. We get it all the time: "Hey, HeadphoneInfo.com, what's the big deal with using headphones?" Well, headphones are the big deal, because they're the most terrifying head accessory since the reverse bear trap. In fact, headphones receive top billing on the RRCA's General Running Safety Tips list: "1. DON'T WEAR HEADPHONES." That's right, bold and all caps -- that spells important, folks. If you're asking stupid questions like "how are headphones even dangerous?" then you don't even understand how they work. Maybe ask questions like, "how do headphones work?" since they're less stupid.
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This jogger is absolutely infested with headphones.
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Headphones work by first latching onto your head, not unlike a parasite. The headphones then convert your loud music into a deadly torrent of wavelengths, which drown out any hearing you may have had left. Why is this a problem? The RRCA says you should "use your ears to be aware of your surroundings" and that "your ears may help you avoid dangers your eyes may miss during evening or early morning runs." That's right, you don't only have to worry about winding up deaf: you could also wind up in the news when you get hit by a train and dragged for 20 feet. Now are you starting to see why headphone safety is a big deal?
The worst part is so many experts are divided on how to reduce the astronomical risks headphone use. Some sources say you should use in-ear headphones only, some sources say you should never use in-ear headphones, and some sources say you should use 1/2 of your in-ear headphones. It's easy to get confused with such conflicting information available, and headphones prey on the confused. The only universally agreed upon fact is it's hard not to die while wearing headphones.
Probably not. No one really knows how you can safely wear headphones under any circumstances without becoming deaf, getting hit by a bus, or eventually succumbing to tinnitus. Since we've read a ton of recent news articles, however, we think we can offer some tips. Memorizing these tips is your best asset if you hope to exercise, wear headphones, and survive.
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| While wearing headphones, you might feel omnipotent. You aren't. |
While listening to music with headphones may grant you super-human exercising ability, it won't make you invincible.
This is extremely important. Many people have felt the god-like enhancement of headphone music and immediately tried to bench press an oncoming train. This is erroneous thinking. Even though you might have the exercising ability of Nike, the Greek goddess of athletic strength, you will still have the getting-hit-by-a-bus ability of an average human being. This disconnect from your own vulnerability is just one reason why headphones are the perfect killing machine.
Headphones actually hinder your ability to survive.
Though music is magic and wonderful, headphones aren't -- this is an important distinction to make. It's time we stop looking at headphones as amulet of strength, and start looking at them for what they really are: a severely debilitating handicap. Every time you put on headphones, you are consciously throwing your life away. If you don't believe us, put on headphones and see if you can hear a murderer behind you menacingly whisper, "I am going to murder you." Were you able to hear him and properly react to the situation, or were you murdered?
It's a cold hard fact that just about any situation is made infinitely more dangerous when headphones are thrown into the picture. If you water the lawn and wear headphones, you won't hear an approaching, runaway lawnmower. If you wear headphones on the train, you'll miss the conductor announcing the train is about to explode. Further, if you were terminally ill and your doctor was wearing headphones, he wouldn't hear it when someone dramatically bursts in the room and yells, "Don't pull the plug -- we found the cure!" There are countless such scenarios, and you die in all of them.
Given your enhanced vulnerability while wearing headphones, we strongly suggest you don't tempt fate. Tempting fate includes putting yourself in situations that are already dangerous by normal standards. This means you shouldn't go anywhere near anything that might explode or collapse. You should stay especially far away from any large, heavy objects that move, which brings us to our next point.
Stay the hell away from trains.
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Trains mean business.
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Most headphone-related accidents involve trains, although not a single scientist in this world knows why. Trains are gigantic, noisy, bound to a predictable trajectory, and typically well-behaved. How else could someone be injured by the noble locomotive if not under the influence of headphones? We're not sure why headphones are out to permanently sully the train's reputation. We are sure that, until this whole ordeal blows over, you shouldn't go near a train. In fact . . .
Never go outside with headphones.
We're going to do some basic risk analysis arithmetic. Let's say that, just by existing, you have a risk factor of 1. The typical outdoor exercise has a risk factor of 7. Therefore, if you (1) were to go out for a jog (7), you'd have a total risk factor of 8. If we were to put headphones on this scale, they would have a risk factor of 658. Go ahead and calculate the total risk for existing (1), exercising (7), and wearing headphones (658). While you're adding, you may find you need to "carry the one" -- to a graveyard.
Any outdoor exercise or activity, even one as benign as getting the mail, is fraught with peril once you add headphones to the equation. Outdoors, the possibilities for danger are limited only by the devil's imagination. To minimize risk, you need to enclose yourself in a secure environment, where there are no external dangers whatsoever. If a gigantic, slow-moving train can pose a significant threat, then basically anything can sneak up and kill you when you're wearing headphones.
Read HeadphoneInfo.com frequently.
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Seriously. We just want to help.
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This isn't just a shameless plug. If you want to live, you should stay tuned to this web site for our continuing coverage in how to survive in the headphone-saturated deathzone we call Earth.
In the meantime, if you actually want some headphone health tips that aren't plain common sense, read this HeadWize article. Did you know that, while exercising, blood is diverted from your ears to major muscle groups, meaning your ears are more susceptible to damage from loud music playback? No? Then read that article.
Also, if you have any questions, or have your own tips or stories about surviving an encounter with a headphone (or headphones), feel free to send us an email.
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