Headphone News

Man, just when we couldn't imagine headphones getting any worse, it turns out they're a gateway drug. That's right, today littly Suzy is listening to her newfangled Warped Tour '08 compilation CD. Tomorrow, Suzy's gone from a headphone user to a headphone 'user.' She's an audiojunkie. Just another freq freak in search of another amplitude trip. Welcome to the seedy underbelly of the internet: binaural beats.

Don't be fooled by websites claiming binaural beats are some benign meditation aid. Binaural beats are, scientifically speaking, the devil's serenade. Even more scientifically speaking, it's when two close-but-not-identical frequencies play back through your headphones, corrupting your brainwaves with aural LSD. The worst part: anyone can download binaural beats off the internet (this means your children). That's right, your kids are, at the moment, downloading these 'digital drugs' and soaring high on their addicting amplitudes.

Want more proof? Read this exposé, which was recently published on USA Today's website by an internet journalist. You'll find out all about how binaural beats can emulate the effects of marajuana, alcohol, heroin, or even HEAVEN OR HELL. That's right, mad science has quantified the experience of being in Hell, figured out a way to emulate the experience using only off-tone soundwaves, and then arranged a demonic cacophany that will corrupt your kids.

The most terrifying part about this story is binaural beat abuse, like the inexorable march of time or music piracy, is virtually impossible to stop. There is literally one way to save your child from the hell of being a high-fi hop-head:

1. Destroy all the headphones you own. Leave no survivors. Then burn or bury the headphones in cement in case they zombify. If you burn the headphones, keep Jimmy and Sue inside: kids can smoke the fumes from the burning plastic, called 'huffers' by street-wise teens.

2. Hide your internet. Don't let your child use the world wide web without your constant supervision. If you have to leave the computer room, disconnect the modem and keep it on your person. Make sure to line your house with brass mesh to keep out any wifi access. This step may elicit some tears from your little ones, but yell out you're doing the best you can and they'll thank you when they're older and not hopped up on soundwaves.

3. Glue-gun 6isolators into your children's ears. Be sure you use nontoxic glue, or else the chemicals will addict your kids to cracked cocaine!

Even now your children might not be safe from the horrors of headphones. What if your child attends school and a local ne'er-do-well offers your child an 1/8-inch jack attack? Our solution? Keep them home: this is the best way to keep them safe from the temptation of a kill-o-Hertz bender. Constantly check HeadphoneInfo.com often for important safety updates. Even through these trying times, we promise to continue offering scientific analyses of the monster known as 'headphone.' With our continued help, you and your precious offspring can monitor the world from a safe distance.